The truth crept up on me like the unwanted vine overpowering the roses growing outside my kitchen window. With undeniable certainty Multiple Sclerosis has taken yet another chunk out of my life. I am usually quick to fill the void - with a combination of unwavering faith, overall acceptance and a large dose of humor. But not this time. The truth is just too painful for a quick remedy.
And so, I give myself permission to remain sorrowful to the truth surrounding my disability. To say out loud, “I am not OK. That I’ve been better.” For there is no amount of pruning to free me from my reality. And no set time to cross into the light.
Some lessons must come out of the darkness.
The thrill of living a full & long life is best captured in rearview images. It is from this perspective that we recall memories both good & bad. Checking the area behind is a necessary precaution to see where you have been and adjust to what is ahead. But forward-thinking Chris cannot stop staring at what is behind her and lost to this disease. Just 13 years ago I would never have imagined the truth before me now.
The Rearview
Can anyone honestly say they look good from
the rear? It is a funny question but one
to ask. I know my curly hair is not how
I imagined, and my posture needs some work.
Forget the fact that my “behind” is a little flatter than I care to
admit. A quick check in the rear is all
anyone needs.
But I am stuck viewing my life just a few short years in the past. Brighter days behind me are glaring reminders that my physical strength today is reduced to the simplest of tasks completed with the greatest of difficulty. My legs and arms needing devices to assist with walking and carrying items but a short distance. The slow creeping progression of my illness (as seen in the rearview) is the cause of so much darkness.
The Darkness
I hear the rally cry. As I write these words - my tribe cheering me on. Ken’s wide shoulders bear the weight of my every struggle. Our kids witnessing their mom “not at her best”. Within my home, I am the recipient of fierce love casting a bright light. My inner circle cannot help but notice cancelled plans & NO to RSVP’s. But still, they continue to invite. I receive their encouragement in tiny doses of hope.
Unproductive days becoming the
norm.
I wake each day with gratitude as my prayer. Stepping into the morning, I gather strength for the hard work ahead. Carrying the cruel truth of my limitations – I will continue to seek and search for a way out of this darkness. It is on the horizon, this I know – but for now I have only the strength to say, “I’m going to be OK”.
