Before Every After

There are Before and After instances in everyone’s lives. It is the universal shift, altering our direction and leading to paths unknown.  The Just Like That moment in life, when Before turns upside down to become the After.  I can identify so many big and small After instants (like falling in love, giving birth…), which changed the course of my future.  I can clearly see the Before my Mom’s death and defining shift in my world After her passing.  Further reflection brings into focus the Before MS diagnosis and the After effect on my life. 

The moment After this one, very often has to be lived as never Before.

I listen carefully to the sound floating through the air as I leave the funeral mass for my friends son … what exactly am I hearing?  I cannot immediately pinpoint the origin of the sound.  I stop; lift my head, giving full attention to its whereabouts.  I have heard this certain something Before.   It is STILLNESS - a QUIET that cuts through the sorrow piercing my soul.  The sound is like the gentle rhythm of a heartbeat …and I know that what I am hearing is the sound of Life Moving Forward.   

Without skipping a beat, Before is gone making room for every After.

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"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”  

Revelation 21:4

Bittersweet Symphony

This is a "repost" from September 2016.  It tells the story about how I have become like a conductor - orchestrating my way around Multiple Sclerosis.   

Bittersweet YES - but beautiful just the same.   These words give voice to what that feels like.  

(Thank you to my sister Pat, for the beautiful illustration) 

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With my hands clutching a small imaginary baton, I feel a sense of power. At my command a symphony lies waiting to be composed with a melody waiting to be heard. The players are all assembled eager to please. I am perched high on the podium, self conscious and wary of my ability to bring this song to life.

I am ready to let go and give in, releasing myself from any feelings of despair. In return for this release, I gain confidence in my capacity to create a masterpiece. I am the conductor and responsible for all that follows from the movement of my baton.

Every morning when I arise I am faced with the reality of my circumstances; but I understand that my job is not for the light-hearted. And I understand that the show must always go on, no matter how I feel. I channel my longing to pickup and play these instruments before me. They are within my grasp but better suited for those treasured “players” in my life who gladly, lovingly and joyfully carry the weight of each note. I am but the catalyst to bring this symphony to a swelling crescendo.

And so, I begin to direct - unifying the performers, setting the tempo, listening attentively, correcting critically and shaping the sound of the ensemble. I make adjustments, work out interpretations and relay my vision for the score.

Each guiding stroke moves us wondrously closer to a newly constructed rendition of a timeless classic.

A Time to Behold

A butterfly circles and glides past me with sovereignty reserved for God’s holiest of beings.  Its magnificent design embodies the spirit of heavenly angels with delicate wings emulating the autumn sky. There is a gentle aura of grace as it floats through the air. Peacefully drifting, awaiting only the invitation to be noticed. 

How blessed I am to behold this divine creature.

I could have easily missed it, as in days past.  Walked absentmindedly out the door, down the porch steps and into my car.  Gone about my day, missing this gift sent from heaven above.  

But today, that was not to be…

For this is the story of my current life and it’s unhurried pace. It is living in the present tense with gratitude for the breath filling my lungs. Standing faithful and determined not to let trials cloud what is gloriously unfolding around me.

Through the movement of the butterfly – I am beholding the angels and saints who have come to let me know that I am not alone. This encounter with the butterfly grants me the fortune to - not  just see, but also witness - not just observe, but also receive.  Belief dwelling within me is given flight and what was once unseen has been made known.

And in this time of beholding  - it is well with my soul.

* For Ann - who also received a gift from the butterfly *