"without ceasing"

Watching the sea of people packed into Time Square – cheering & counting down the arrival of 2020 – makes my comfy couch seem even more comfortable.  Ushering in a New Year with the added twist of beginning “the roaring 20’s” decade has me feeling rather nostalgic. Maybe it is my middle-age view, but the dawning of future days cannot be imagined without reflection on some wisdom I’ve picked up along the way.  

The 10-year snapshots of days passed are almost surreal.   It’s like looking at the pages of a glossy magazine portraying “the best & worst” of times.  Each frame of my memories now has this chronic, unwelcome, fateful, fearful MsMonster lurking about.  The full smile across my face cannot mask the dreaded presence of fatigue.  My body language, either sitting or standing, highlights my battle to remain strong.  And a closer look into my bright eyes does little to offset the weariness behind them.

My MS diagnosis… undeniably present this last decade…  has also been my greatest teacher.  Being in the classroom of loss - has slowly taught me to appreciate the things that make a full life.  And like an old Polaroid photograph from years ago - time is needed to develop that  kind of understanding.

Today, in our digital world (where photographs are taken & shared freely) life seems to be always on display.  But the truth of each moment captured lies not in what is observable.   The imperfections within us reveal what it means to be fully alive.  And we are called to honor the gift of life from our glorious creator no matter how imperfect.  

Armed with this wisdom comes a new mindset on the adventures before me. It is “without ceasing” that I choose to live & be seen in the coming days.

         “without ceasing”  I will look to the heavens to guide my every step.

         “without ceasing”  my hands will fold and my lips will utter a prayer.

         “without ceasing”  I will never forget the hearts who shape me.

         “without ceasing”  the light inside of me will shine onto others.

         “without ceasing”  I will seek out people who challenge me to grow.         

         “without ceasing”  trust will reign in my heart

         “without ceasing”  I will move and push and never give up.

         “without ceasing”  I will receive the blessing of each outstretched hand

                                         offering help as they walk this journey with me.

Happy & Healthy New Year!!

May your days be ceaseless in Wonder and Awe!

Ice in My Glass

“My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with

 some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.”

Maya Angelou

The temperature is perfect on this summer day as I float in the center of the pool.  With a delicious beverage delivered (courtesy of my cabana boy), I enjoy a momentary feeling of utter bliss.  Ken tests the water with those colorful strips; purple indicates the pH is off resulting in a visit to the pool store.   I remain captive on my raft with drink in hand.  He returns to carefully measure & pour the chemicals into the water. I watch, taking note of all that he must do to keep things perfect for my floating.  There is a comfortable quiet between us as I continue gazing in Ken’s direction.  This time noticing the red patches of poison ivy on his arms, the result of pulling weeds maintaining our beautiful flowerbeds. 

It’s a lot for me to take in and I recognize immediately - all his responsibilities to keep me afloat.  It is painful viewing my inability to “carry my load” around here.  I can do very little to unburden him of the many tasks he performs for my comfort & happiness.  All I can do is receive the gift of floating - trying to regain that sense of bliss.

And so, time passes as I recline on my raft in the middle of the pool.  Eyes fixed on Ken who has not stopped working.  The last thing I want is to have another need... but alas, that refreshing drink made especially for my pleasure has gotten warm. Finding the courage I lift my glass (OK, maybe momentarily shaking it) and ask, “could I bother you for some ice?” Ken’s response is priceless, worthy of this story. 

Exhausted, dirty, itchy from poison ivy he smiles, grabs my glass & begins moving toward the house.  Stopping, he turns and in the sincerest way asks, “What’s it like to just show up?” He means no insult or harm.  His words spoken to acknowledge the truth that is often silent between us.  

In our usual way – we laugh.  His laughter coming from a place deep within that would do anything to please me.  And my laughter spills out from an awareness of my dependence on him.  Together we find humor in what could easily destroy us.  All that we are and all that we have is a combination of our efforts to strive, to thrive and to live a blessed life ~ always with a little ice in my glass.

Objects Appear Larger Than They Are

It’s usually the roar of the engine that gets my heart racing and STOPS me from what I’m doing.  Looking up with radar like precision, I track the huge commercial aircraft flying very low overhead.  The sheer size of these planes takes my breath away as they come into view above the trees lining our property.  My family often laughs at me (not appreciating or feeling the same exhilaration) as I freeze midsentence – to begin searching the clear blue skies.  Ken finds it irritating and often yells, “squirrel” depicting how my attention is diverted in an upward direction for those few moments of flight.   

“What is the deal with these low flying planes?” has become normal conversation with friends in the neighborhood.  We are miles from an airport large enough to accommodate Boeing commercial jets.  But for reasons unknown to me air traffic patterns have changed, directing these monsters to begin descent over the area surrounding the ½ acre I call home.

This summer has allowed me hours of mindless entertainment watching the skies populated by massively large, low flying airplanes.  I’m in awe of how fast they travel, often joking about “seeing the color of the pilots’ eyes”!  But like so many other objects that come into view – they often appear larger (and closer) than they really are.

~~~~~~~~

Anniversaries are customarily acknowledged in some sort of way.  On this given day in July – as my legs dangle off the examination table at my neurologist office – I have much to celebrate (if you can call it that).   10 years ago, I held Kens’ hand as tears fell from my eyes hearing the diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis.  10 years ago, I knew nothing about the stages of loss & acceptance to be endured with the progression of this illness.  And I certainly knew nothing about the faith I would need to call upon.   I just remember those early years navigating new pathways and patterns for my life.   My diagnosis became unavoidably the biggest interruption – very much the “squirrel” in my life.

But I am witness to the healing power of “living by design”. It has been a slow climb bringing me here today, legs dangling in the waiting room.  Ken wanted to be with me for support, but I am feeling strong and confident.  The giant MS beast – not long ago filling me with fear – comes into view smaller than it once appeared.  Although it is undeniably still present, its looming shadow does not conceal all the sunlight.  My doctor visit is over quickly and I receive the thumbs up that all is well.  (Not the usual anniversary gift…. but I’ll take it)

~~~~~~~~

I rush home to sit in the yard & enjoy the passing of those large jets.  But there is a noticeable change again in the air traffic patterns.  I do not know why but the skies are silent and void of any activity.  Just like that new patterns and pathways are being made.   I’ll miss my pulse racing and the excitement of seeing those large objects – or maybe they really weren’t that large after all.