Comes and Goes

The positioning of the potted plant on the windowsill provides much-needed sunlight.  For deep within its roots hold the memory of my sister-in-law.  It was gifted to me at her passing.  I tend to the soil; carefully water on a weekly basis.  And with the removal of every brown leaf comes forth the arrival of lush green shoots. The process of accepting loss to clear a path for life unknown is not lost on me.  For what comes and goes is part of the surrendering we must all experience.   

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The evening sun has set ushering in a gloom of despair.  When it comes - I have neither the strength of character nor the power of will to avoid what is inevitable.  My anger at this disease and the simplest of abilities it has stolen from my life has once again - shaken me to the core.  I retreat to bed, pulling the covers tightly around me.  Peace eludes my spirit as I whisper to myself, “It is OK to feel bad”.

I have entered this darkness but am not alone.  God is with me, this I am sure.  I have come to this place to receive the gift of tears.  Cleansing tears that need to fall.  As much as it hurts – I must go through this shadowy night.  Surrender is needed but cannot be rushed.  I remind myself, “It is OK to feel bad”. 

Ken is there with his reassurance of love.  He wants this to pass and falters finding any words of comfort.  The right words just cease to exist.  He leaves me to be with a heavy heart.  

The morning breaks open a new day.  Once more, I am keenly aware of God’s presence. He has not left my side.  My evening tears gone, having cleared a new path providing much-needed hope.  I smile through the brokenness of my illness seeing the joy in life unknown.  For what comes and goes is the process of surrender.  

In confidence I now say, “It is OK to feel good.”