Comes and Goes

The positioning of the potted plant on the windowsill provides much-needed sunlight.  For deep within its roots hold the memory of my sister-in-law.  It was gifted to me at her passing.  I tend to the soil; carefully water on a weekly basis.  And with the removal of every brown leaf comes forth the arrival of lush green shoots. The process of accepting loss to clear a path for life unknown is not lost on me.  For what comes and goes is part of the surrendering we must all experience.   

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The evening sun has set ushering in a gloom of despair.  When it comes - I have neither the strength of character nor the power of will to avoid what is inevitable.  My anger at this disease and the simplest of abilities it has stolen from my life has once again - shaken me to the core.  I retreat to bed, pulling the covers tightly around me.  Peace eludes my spirit as I whisper to myself, “It is OK to feel bad”.

I have entered this darkness but am not alone.  God is with me, this I am sure.  I have come to this place to receive the gift of tears.  Cleansing tears that need to fall.  As much as it hurts – I must go through this shadowy night.  Surrender is needed but cannot be rushed.  I remind myself, “It is OK to feel bad”. 

Ken is there with his reassurance of love.  He wants this to pass and falters finding any words of comfort.  The right words just cease to exist.  He leaves me to be with a heavy heart.  

The morning breaks open a new day.  Once more, I am keenly aware of God’s presence. He has not left my side.  My evening tears gone, having cleared a new path providing much-needed hope.  I smile through the brokenness of my illness seeing the joy in life unknown.  For what comes and goes is the process of surrender.  

In confidence I now say, “It is OK to feel good.”

The Fall and Rise

The world finds itself suddenly on pause, left vulnerable to the unknowns of this virus.  I have had to face my own pause head on for many years with fear and helplessness taking the front seat.  But during these pandemic days - my gaze is outward on the world as it navigates thru a disabled reality.  Everyday seemingly falling a little further - and I am left empty.  

Overnight freedoms have been removed.  Essential workers are on the frontline and medical personnel courageously become our heroes.  Any sense of normalcy has been shattered.  The streets, skies and waterways are bizarrely quiet.  In an instance, so many privileges are beyond our grasp. Without warning we seem to have fallen and lack the grace to regain our footing.  This loss of control is unnatural to the entitled world.   But for me, I am all too familiar with the art of pausing.  

 

Normal is but a dream as days turn into weeks and quickly months. Yearning for many simple things we took for granted when this virus did not threaten our lives.  I wait for inspiration from the divine artist to stir my soul.  Await the filling of my empty shell.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Today is exactly 3 months since the epidemic closed our churches.  But today the doors will be open to receive, with other Catholic Christians, the gift of the Eucharist.   I am overly excited to gather in fellowship after such a long absence.  With our faces covered we sing through our masks; “Lord, send down your spirit & renew the face of the earth”.   (Not exactly sure this is what God had in mind for our renewal.)  But it’s a glorious day to be at mass. 

 

It is time to come forward and receive Holy Communion.  The line is long & patience is required. Waiting for my turn, I am conscious again of how low the world has fallen and aware again of my emptiness.   I move alongside Ken (for support) and approach the front.  With outstretched hands our pastor places the blessed bread in my hands, only to have it fall from my grip onto the floor.   A hush settles over the congregation.  Without pausing, Father bends down low to the ground picks it up and places it back in my hands.  I am mortified but move away, remove my mask and consume the Bread of Life.

 

Making my way slowly back to my seat, I am filled with meaning as to what just transpired. The fall of what is most sacred (our world) will not remain in this low place.    It will be lifted and in the rising we will once again find healing.  I wholeheartedly trust in God’s plan for me – as I am witness to my own fall & rising with MS.  And before me now, I have seen that same assurance of God’s promise for our world.

 

A glorious day to be gifted  a story.

 One, which most certainly will be titled …“The Fall and Rise”

"without ceasing"

Watching the sea of people packed into Time Square – cheering & counting down the arrival of 2020 – makes my comfy couch seem even more comfortable.  Ushering in a New Year with the added twist of beginning “the roaring 20’s” decade has me feeling rather nostalgic. Maybe it is my middle-age view, but the dawning of future days cannot be imagined without reflection on some wisdom I’ve picked up along the way.  

The 10-year snapshots of days passed are almost surreal.   It’s like looking at the pages of a glossy magazine portraying “the best & worst” of times.  Each frame of my memories now has this chronic, unwelcome, fateful, fearful MsMonster lurking about.  The full smile across my face cannot mask the dreaded presence of fatigue.  My body language, either sitting or standing, highlights my battle to remain strong.  And a closer look into my bright eyes does little to offset the weariness behind them.

My MS diagnosis… undeniably present this last decade…  has also been my greatest teacher.  Being in the classroom of loss - has slowly taught me to appreciate the things that make a full life.  And like an old Polaroid photograph from years ago - time is needed to develop that  kind of understanding.

Today, in our digital world (where photographs are taken & shared freely) life seems to be always on display.  But the truth of each moment captured lies not in what is observable.   The imperfections within us reveal what it means to be fully alive.  And we are called to honor the gift of life from our glorious creator no matter how imperfect.  

Armed with this wisdom comes a new mindset on the adventures before me. It is “without ceasing” that I choose to live & be seen in the coming days.

         “without ceasing”  I will look to the heavens to guide my every step.

         “without ceasing”  my hands will fold and my lips will utter a prayer.

         “without ceasing”  I will never forget the hearts who shape me.

         “without ceasing”  the light inside of me will shine onto others.

         “without ceasing”  I will seek out people who challenge me to grow.         

         “without ceasing”  trust will reign in my heart

         “without ceasing”  I will move and push and never give up.

         “without ceasing”  I will receive the blessing of each outstretched hand

                                         offering help as they walk this journey with me.

Happy & Healthy New Year!!

May your days be ceaseless in Wonder and Awe!