The Truth

Unfiltered ~ Unedited

The truth crept up on me like the unwanted vine overpowering the roses growing outside my kitchen window.   With undeniable certainty Multiple Sclerosis has taken yet another chunk out of my life.  I am usually quick to fill the void - with a combination of unwavering faith, overall acceptance and a large dose of humor.  But not this time.  The truth is just too painful for a quick remedy. 

And so, I give myself permission to remain sorrowful to the truth surrounding my disability.  To say out loud, “I am not OK.  That I’ve been better.”  For there is no amount of pruning to free me from my reality.  And no set time to cross into the light.

Some lessons must come out of the darkness.

The thrill of living a full & long life is best captured in rearview images.   It is from this perspective that we recall memories both good & bad.  Checking the area behind is a necessary precaution to see where you have been and adjust to what is ahead.  But forward-thinking Chris cannot stop staring at what is behind her and lost to this disease. Just 13 years ago I would never have imagined the truth before me now.   

And that just might be the cause of so much darkness. 

The Rearview

Can anyone honestly say they look good from the rear?  It is a funny question but one to ask.  I know my curly hair is not how I imagined, and my posture needs some work.  Forget the fact that my “behind” is a little flatter than I care to admit.  A quick check in the rear is all anyone needs.

But I am stuck viewing my life just a few short years in the past. Brighter days behind me are glaring reminders that my physical strength today is reduced to the simplest of tasks completed with the greatest of difficulty.  My legs and arms needing devices to assist with walking and carrying items but a short distance.  The slow creeping progression of my illness (as seen in the rearview) is the cause of so much darkness. 

The Darkness

I hear the rally cry.  As I write these words - my tribe cheering me on.   Ken’s wide shoulders bear the weight of my every struggle.  Our kids witnessing their mom “not at her best”.   Within my home, I am the recipient of fierce love casting a bright light.  My inner circle cannot help but notice cancelled plans & NO to RSVP’s.  But still, they continue to invite.  I receive their encouragement in tiny doses of hope.  

Unproductive days becoming the norm. 

I wake each day with gratitude as my prayer. Stepping into the morning, I gather strength for the hard work ahead. Carrying the cruel truth of my limitations – I will continue to seek and search for a way out of this darkness.  It is on the horizon, this I know – but for now I have only the strength to say, “I’m going to be OK”.

 

Intention

To balance out my Netflix binging, I am trying to read more novels.  Settling in with a paperback (large print no longer an option) and I am instantly entertained by a new cast of characters.  With my current choice of a memoir, you will find me laughing out loud at the authors’ creative & imaginative storytelling.  All is well until I am nearing the end of the book.  Somewhere on page 196, smack in the middle of a paragraph is a sentence that stops me from reading further…

“The Universe is a series of unintentional consequences”.  Seems harmless enough but the stringing together of these words and its implication cuts me deep.  In that moment – I want only to grab the remote and fast-forward past this section of the story.

I cannot stop reading the sentence. Turning it over. Pulling it apart. Breaking down each section, each word.  “The Universe… series… unintentional… consequences”.   I am challenged to find any of myself in its meaning.  For mine is a life of intention.  A life defined with a higher purpose by an all-intentioned God.  

Picking up the paperback, I resume reading in the hopes of understanding the authors’ viewpoint.  What I find is a story showing how his best intention was never realized, instead replaced by something altogether different.  Although he did not envision this for himself – it proved to have a wonderful “unintended” outcome.  Hence his sentence (and I paraphrase) – “The Universe just threw him a bone”.

We can all agree that the actions of others can result in some unplanned outcomes.  Free Will being the cause of many unintended ripples running through the world. Some good, some bad.  But with the appearance of each wave in our lives, we must learn where to cast our eyes.  So that when we need to fight and lean in - or - when we are offered a mountaintop experience “unintentional” will never be the direction of our gaze.  

Not to oversimplify a complex theological discussion – but maybe… “Some Unintentional Consequences are the Universe (or Creator) attempting to get our attention”. To interrupt and set us on a new course ~ to hear the voice of angels directing our path ~ trusting in a guiding force whose only intention is LOVE.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."   Jeremiah 29:11

Exclamation Point (!)

A harmless text.  Nothing special about the words exchanged.  What set it apart was the punctuation mark that concluded his thoughts.  KC’s choice of the exclamation point spoke volumes!  I remember staring at my phone, somewhat perplexed. Exactly what he meant was unknown to me.  

I am just a mom asking her son a basic question and his short response was sweet but peppered with the (!) indicating STRONG feelings.  Did I say something wrong, was I meddling, maybe he was having a bad day or angry at his mother for another reason.  My mind goes into overdrive analyzing that simple line with a dot (!).

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An exclamation used to be my favorite mark at the end of a sentence.  I would see it as an interjection of a sharp or sudden utterance of amazement.  Oh yes, the good old innocent days!  Now life is lived with some level of anxiety.  A pandemic with confirmed cases & deaths still on the rise - I dare say - has given the (!) too much power.  Our every thought in 2020 seems marked with it.

Overly sensitive, maybe.  But as we bid farewell to a year that rendered us vulnerable, kept us off balance and exposed many insecurities – I propose we remove the use of (!) when sending harmless text messages.  Reserving them only for moments of prayer! Moments of awe! And the occasional use telling mom you Love her!