Winter Grey

I am all but willing to hibernate in the gloom of these winter months, but deep within I yearn for brightness.  I savor the brilliance bestowed on the earth by the sun’s rays. The thought alone of sunshine catapults me from my dreary disposition.   

I peer out the window and observe the tender blanketing of snow forming.   Such beauty in the falling white flakes, beckoning me to join in its movement. 

But, I remain.

                                                             ~~~~~~~~~

Images are projected onto the large computer screen.  Grey and white fuzzy shapes are brought into focus.  Before my eyes materializes the inner workings of my spine and brain.

Hundreds of magnetic resolution images capture damaged parts deep within.  She points to three large areas casting a shadow and mumbles, Here is the part of the myelin sheath or nerve fiber which is damaged, nerve impulses traveling to and from the brain and spinal cord are distorted or interrupted, producing a wide variety of symptoms.   The damaged myelin forms scar tissue (sclerosis), which gives the disease its name.

I am well aware of the shadows name, which has been lurking inside of me for 8 years.  But now, for the first time I am looking directly at those grey areas, which cause my every weakness.

I stare in disbelief as she comments on the size, Yes, they are quite large but at least there are only three.  At least gives me little comfort.  

She changes from scan to scan causing the illusion of graceful movements running across the computer screen.  The healthy parts of me beckoning the damaged areas of my spine to join in the dancing.  

Unable to look away, I am crushed and silenced by the weight of the grey shadow before me.

But, I remain.